It's almost like I wrote that last post then immediately forgot it existed. I want so many things and its time to start going after them. There's only so much wanting I can do; only so much waiting with outstretched hands full of heartbeats that no one can understand but me. anguish. I have to do something about it. I want to spend more time with God but it seems as though I would rather hide from Him and not acknowledge it. I want to practice moderation and self-control to become a healthier me, but the only thing in my life losing weight is my words. I want to be a person that people love being around, but the only language I use is fowl. I want to be loved, but I never miss an opportunity to pass hate to the ones that only wish me well.

I'm so done with my hate and anger. I'm finished with not thinking before I speak. I'm through with being a hypocrite, and my double life is over. There are only so many times I can shower myself with prose and beautiful language to forget my troubles. Hang me out to dry.

Last night, I told some people to pray for my complacency in life.. (Please, remind me never to do that again). Life is only lame because I'm making it that way. I want so many things but I need to try actually achieving them.

Hold me accountable?

I want to live for something.

I want to succeed. I want life to be perfect, even when it isn't. I want to tell you about how my best friend's laughter is something that makes me feel whole again. I want to feel the depth of my emotions. I want to think back to times when I felt alive and angry and sad and anxious and happy and annoyed and I want to r e m e m b e r it. I want to scratch the surfaces of my past and get enough of the substance under my fingernails to carry around with me, to remind me, but not to break me.
I want to fall in love with a guy that will love me back. I want our love to be real. I want to feel its reminders, my heart pulsing in my wrists, something real in my chest. I want to spend so much time with him that we become less like to people and more like one person. I want words of my unwinding day to be taken in by him, not pulled along by the air into no where. I want the ability to give all of my love to one person and not let romantic love die inside me. I want to agree to never grow apart, but always closer.
I want to give everyone everything. I want to always be there when you want me there. I want to stop keeping things at arms length. I want to find a flame and swallow it whole. I want to fall in love with strangers and daydream about running away. I want to stop waiting for the storm to pass and learn to deal with metaphorical rain.
I want to know that all my steps from these last sixteen months were leading up to here and I want the best for everyone I've ever met in this journey. I want to love with everything I've got, and bear the trouble of the ones I love. I want to care about the things they love! I want to be a person people enjoy being around. I want to hear their stories about life and love, still waiting to be unmasked.
I want to scream as loud as my voice will let me, and not muffle the sounds. I want to stop walking around with anger and resentment in my veins, I don't want to carry it forever.
I want to believe that growing older means growing bolder.
I want to walk on water because I have been swimming in surrender long enough.
I want to soar on wings like eagles.
I want to run and not grow weary.
I want to walk and not faint.