It's almost like I wrote that last post then immediately forgot it existed. I want so many things and its time to start going after them. There's only so much wanting I can do; only so much waiting with outstretched hands full of heartbeats that no one can understand but me. anguish. I have to do something about it. I want to spend more time with God but it seems as though I would rather hide from Him and not acknowledge it. I want to practice moderation and self-control to become a healthier me, but the only thing in my life losing weight is my words. I want to be a person that people love being around, but the only language I use is fowl. I want to be loved, but I never miss an opportunity to pass hate to the ones that only wish me well.

I'm so done with my hate and anger. I'm finished with not thinking before I speak. I'm through with being a hypocrite, and my double life is over. There are only so many times I can shower myself with prose and beautiful language to forget my troubles. Hang me out to dry.

Last night, I told some people to pray for my complacency in life.. (Please, remind me never to do that again). Life is only lame because I'm making it that way. I want so many things but I need to try actually achieving them.

Hold me accountable?

I want to live for something.

I want to succeed. I want life to be perfect, even when it isn't. I want to tell you about how my best friend's laughter is something that makes me feel whole again. I want to feel the depth of my emotions. I want to think back to times when I felt alive and angry and sad and anxious and happy and annoyed and I want to r e m e m b e r it. I want to scratch the surfaces of my past and get enough of the substance under my fingernails to carry around with me, to remind me, but not to break me.
I want to fall in love with a guy that will love me back. I want our love to be real. I want to feel its reminders, my heart pulsing in my wrists, something real in my chest. I want to spend so much time with him that we become less like to people and more like one person. I want words of my unwinding day to be taken in by him, not pulled along by the air into no where. I want the ability to give all of my love to one person and not let romantic love die inside me. I want to agree to never grow apart, but always closer.
I want to give everyone everything. I want to always be there when you want me there. I want to stop keeping things at arms length. I want to find a flame and swallow it whole. I want to fall in love with strangers and daydream about running away. I want to stop waiting for the storm to pass and learn to deal with metaphorical rain.
I want to know that all my steps from these last sixteen months were leading up to here and I want the best for everyone I've ever met in this journey. I want to love with everything I've got, and bear the trouble of the ones I love. I want to care about the things they love! I want to be a person people enjoy being around. I want to hear their stories about life and love, still waiting to be unmasked.
I want to scream as loud as my voice will let me, and not muffle the sounds. I want to stop walking around with anger and resentment in my veins, I don't want to carry it forever.
I want to believe that growing older means growing bolder.
I want to walk on water because I have been swimming in surrender long enough.
I want to soar on wings like eagles.
I want to run and not grow weary.
I want to walk and not faint.

My heart goes out to everyone at the University of Texas

My two favorite shows are back!

GLEE

GOSSIP GIRL

too bad I won't have any time to watch them!

Something people don't know about me..

...I love love LOVE old movies!
I am attempting to have a movie marathon as I write this.
There are certain men from the golden age of Hollywood that make me weak at the knees.

Clark Gable

gone with the wind

mutiny on the bounty

Gene Kelly

anchors aweigh (my all-time favorite movie)

an american in paris

singin in the rain

Dick Van Dyke (of course)

chitty chitty bang bang

mary poppins

These men steal my heart!